Understanding Perfectionism

Introduction

Perfectionism is something many individuals struggle to manage. It can start at a young age or be a behaviour learnt later on in life. For certain individuals, it can be debilitating and cause significant ripples in their lives. For others, it is more subtle and only surfaces in specific situations. Whatever the case may be, it is possible to overcome perfectionism. By working through the mechanisms we put in place to govern perfectionism and adjusting our expectations, we can find healthy alternatives. Here we are going to look at what perfectionism is, becoming a perfectionist, and how to combat the effects in our daily lives. 

What is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is when an individual sets unattainably high standards for themselves and even those around them. They are people who struggle with self-worth as it is governed by the ability to reach these goals. In some cases causing the individual to be distracted from other aspects of their lives. Perfectionists tend to be the harshest critics in obtaining their own goals. 

How Did I Become a Perfectionist?

The answer to that question is not simple. In fact, you may never truly know how you became a perfectionist in the first place. It is important to remember that it is completely fine not to know. You can still overcome the hold perfectionism has without knowing. There are a number of ways one can become a perfectionist. The core of it is that the person who is a perfectionist has a specific understanding of how they view the world and how the world views them. 

This view is influenced throughout our lives and it starts with our earliest experiences. They shape how we perceive our self-worth and worth to others. Perfectionists have had experiences that lead them to develop a view of the world that encourages the pursuit of unrelenting high standards. We are going to explore some of the more common ways and touch a little bit on less common forms of perfectionism at the end.

Direct Learning - Reward and Positive Reinforcement

Direct learning is probably the simplest of the common ways one could have been introduced to the idea of perfectionism. It is when people praise you for something you have done well. Through this praise, you may learn that achieving excellence will garner people’s respect and ultimately lead you to set high standards for yourself. You feel good when you get praised as well, only reinforcing the idea that your self-worth is linked to the praise of a job well done.

An example of this would be doing well at a school assignment and receiving praise from your parents. At first this may be perceived as: “Mum and Dad like it when I do well at school”. Later it may develop into: “People are proud of me if I succeed”. When this pattern is left to develop it can become an inflexible belief such as: “People will only be proud of me if I am successful”.

Direct Learning - Punishment and Lack of Positive Reinforcement

The other side of the direct learning coin is the slightly more negative approach. As much as clear praising can create the perfectionist narrative, so can the lack of praise or even punishment. When a person is praised for achieving top scores but the praise is lacking when the person achieves slightly lower than top scores, the sense that they need to be perfect is reinforced. Sometimes this is done intentionally and sometimes not.

Another form of this is punishment for achieving less than expected or undesired behaviour. Being punished for not being the best is a common and even well-known way for a person to become a perfectionist. An example of this would be when a parent frequently speaks down to a child about making a mess while playing: “How many times do I have to tell you not to make a mess?”. Over time this will develop into a narrative that breeds perfectionism and lead the person to a belief that is inflexible: “I must never make a mess, I must always be neat”.

In another example, when a person gets praise for receiving an A on a test but nothing when receiving a B will also reinforce that narrative. Giving the person a reason to believe: “Mum and Dad don’t like it when I don’t get As.”. Making way for the inflexible belief that: “People are not proud of me when my work is less than perfect.”.

Indirect Learning or Modelling

Indirect learning, also called modelling, is when a person does not experience praise or lack of praise for a job well done. Rather they see their role models acting in a particular way. Leading them to believe that it is the right way and in some cases the only way. 

This might be something as simple as seeing a parent bringing work home and giving little prioritisation to relaxing. The perception then becomes: “If I want to do the right thing I must prioritise work above all else.”. Or perhaps, “If I want to succeed I must be perfect at what I do.”.

Temperament

There is also an argument for people who feel that they were born a perfectionist. In essence they feel that since a very young age they have set high standards for themselves. Regardless of the environment and role models around them. Suggesting a natural inclination towards this view of the world and themselves.

People who experience perfectionism in this way will typically have the belief that they have high standards because that is who they are, such as: “If I lost a race when I was little I would cry for hours, even though Mum told me it wasn’t important.”. Studies have shown that people who avoid seeking out novelty, who are highly dependent on rewards from others, and who persist towards goals despite frustration and fatigue, are more likely to develop perfectionism.