How Does Perfectionism Influence Our Daily Lives?
Perfectionism has a lasting impact on the lives of those experiencing perfectionistic tendencies and for people surrounding them. In many cases it could be a destructive force in your life and prevent you from succeeding and even cause relationships to fall apart. You could be projecting your perfectionism onto someone else which causes them to have negative feelings towards you. Making the relationship difficult to maintain. You may find that you never reach your goals as the standards are just unobtainable. A good way to look at these scenarios is through the lens of “rules for living”.
We all live our lives according to a set of rules we create in order to navigate through good and bad situations. Included in this are assumptions we make based on the rules we have or experiences from the past that lead us to believe certain things. For example, someone might have the rule: “It is important to be kind to others whenever possible” or the assumption: “If I commit a crime, then I will be punished”. In this scenario, it can be said that the rule and assumption are fairly accurate. Punishment typically follows after committing a crime and being kind 100% of the time is unrealistic but being kind when possible is achievable.
In the case of perfectionism, these rules and assumptions are usually unrealistic and unhelpful. Such as in the case of Peter and Polly:
Peter has the rule: “The job is not done unless it is perfect” and the assumption: “If I make a mistake then the business will fail”.
Polly has the rule: “Winning is the most important thing” and the assumption: “If we lose one game then there’s no chance we will be at the top at the end of the season”.
Are these rules flexible? How accurate are the assumptions that are being made? Clearly Peter and Polly both have rules that are rigid and assumptions that are inaccurate, and this is unhelpful because it makes them single-mindedly focused on doing things ‘perfectly’.
Here is an exercise that you can do to try and identify your own experiences with perfectionism: make a tick or an X next to the sentences that best fit your rules and assumptions.
Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions
Setting Even More Demanding Standards
Doing well isn’t good enough, I have to do better
If I don’t strive to achieve higher standards, I am a lazy and useless person
Losing those 5 kg. wasn’t enough. I need to get down to a smaller size
All-or-Nothing Thinking
If I don’t get a High Distinction in this topic then I don’t deserve to be doing this degree
My work is never good enough
There is a right way and a wrong way to do things
If I eat any chocolate at all then I’ve blown my diet and I might as well binge
Fear Of Failure
I must do things perfectly
I must not fail
I can’t have others think poorly of me
If I try, then I will only fail
If I make a mistake then I will be rejected
If I put my work out there, then others will think badly of me
Shoulds, Musts,
I must be perfect or others will realise what I am really like
I should never eat before noon
When I clean my house I should always clean every room thoroughly
Constant Checking
I have to go over any work I do, several times before I can show it to anyone else
I have to weigh myself several times a day to make sure I’m not gaining weight
Self-control
I must work all the time or I will become a lazy slob
I have to work extremely hard in order to deserve a treat
Simplicity, Structure, Control
I must know what is going to happen
I must be prepared for possible outcomes
I can’t let anyone else do a task in case it goes wrong
Other
Being a perfectionist doesn’t mean you have all of the unhelpful rules and assumptions listed above. You may only have one of these, some combination of them, or a less common one. Different unhelpful rules and assumptions may be relevant for different areas of your life.
If you have some insight into your own rules and assumptions, write them down. See them and acknowledge them. We are not trying to take them away at all. The purpose is to recognise them and adjust what is there to be realistic. Don’t worry if you are finding it hard to work out what your unhelpful rules and assumptions are. And remember that you don’t always need to know the exact underlying reason for your perfectionism in order to overcome it.
What Can I Do to Curb My Perfectionism?
Regardless of how you have developed into a perfectionist, these strategies are designed to help you overcome perfectionism in your life. This does not mean that having standards is a problem, simply adjusting them to be realistic and healthy.
Let’s look at the example of Peter:
Peter has the rule: “The job is not done unless it is perfect” and this rule guides his behaviour. Peter checks his work three times to make sure he has not made a mistake. The consequence of this is that it takes him a long time to complete his work and his business is doing poorly as a result of this.
Can you picture Peter’s leisure time?
What might he do to relax?
What quality of relationships might he have?
What would he be like to work with?
Have a look over the rules and assumptions that you wrote down. How do your results and assumptions guide your behaviour on a day-to-day basis? What do you do as a result of having these particular rules and assumptions?
Now, let’s take a look at Polly:
Polly always set extremely high standards for herself. She liked jogging but had not been able to do this activity for several weeks due to a knee injury. When she started running again she set herself the standard: “I should be able to run 10 kilometres”. She attempted this on her first day back and struggled due to her lack of fitness but, as the standard was so inflexible, she pushed herself to keep going. She ended up hurting her knee again and this put her out of action for another few weeks.
Polly was not able to be flexible and adjust her standard to take into consideration her knee injury. This is a common problem for perfectionists.
Has Polly been able to set an achievable goal?
What can Polly do next time?
What should Polly’s set as a goal for herself?
Take this moment to reflect on your own goals. Look at the categories listed below and ask yourself: “Is this standard flexible and achievable?” Write Yes / No next to the category.
Performance at work/school
Grooming & personal hygiene
Organisation & ordering
Close relationships
Sport
Eating/shape/weight
Housework/cleaning
Health & fitness
Are your standards flexible and achievable? If the answer is “no”, then it may be time to consider whether or not you want to change this. Do you have an unrelenting high standard in just one area of your life or do you notice this across different areas of your life?
It is important to remember that the standards we set are highly individual. What is challenging or difficult for one person may be easy for another person, so it is unhelpful to compare the standards you set for yourself with the standards set by others. For example, it would be unrealistic for me to set myself the standard of being able to play Rachmaninoff’s “Prelude in C Minor” on the piano by next week. However, it is not unrealistic for concert pianists to set this standard for themselves.